Hey its only been two years. How's it going? Lmao. I'm in my first year of uni. Everything is good. I'm in new Orleans. I guess ill catch y'all up more in a bit. Don't have time at the moment.

It's been some time huh? Well the shit storm that is my life has only turned up a few notches. Or ten. Seriously I'm counting down the months until I'm a free woman. But then what? I have no place to go. And no one to turn to. I can't graduate early anymore thanks to the woman that dare call herself my mother. If I'm a fuck up then isn't it her fault? She raised me. So it's her shitty parenting. She's a horrid person. She abusive and manipulative and vindictive and just cruel. And she thinks how she acts is okay. Seriously? It's not. No I'm not perfect. I'm far from it. But all the things she calls me and says about me aren't okay. Especially because they aren't true. School is kind of flooding me and I just want to quit. I hate my friends, my classes, my family. I feel like I'm sinking into this monotonous pit of so called life. Everyone else seems oblivious to my deepening depression. If that's even what you can call it. Lately I've been reading the book Columbine for English. I relate to Eric and Dylan so much. More Dylan than Eric I suppose. I do have emotions. He seemed pretty emotionless. All he felt was anger. All I feel is tired. Just completely and utterly tired. Just done. I can't stand it. Everything is always the same. The same fucking dipshit teachers, the same lame ass dumb fuck students, the same uncaring obnoxious "friends", the same pathetic people I unfortunately get to call family. I feel like I don't even belong here. On this planet. I feel like I came from somewhere very far away and just need to go back. Sometimes I can feel myself being dragged elsewhere. Like my true family is just calling to me. Or maybe I'm just thinking of the inner beast that whispers the darkest thoughts to me in my inner most deep thinking. The beast that urges me to murder, no, slaughter. The urge to kill grows constantly.

That kind of fear

You know that kind of fear that has you shaking with the inability to even move? Not the fun kind of fear from horror films. The deep rooted god awful kind. The kind that makes you want to shrink to the size of an ant and slip between the floorboards so the source of your fear can't find you. That kind? That's the kind I'm faced with. More frequently than I care to admit. The kind that makes me want to disappear and never return. The kind that haunts me and determines characteristics of my life. The kind of fear that prohibits. The undeniable kind that feeds off the intensity of your fear. Maybe you don't know what I mean. In that case, til next time. Bye. 

I'm a nerd, so cosplay maybe? Pt3

Soooo. I don't really know if we're still cosplaying. Me and Tayler got in this fight because she only talks to me when it's convenient for her. She pisses me off. As I don't think she's gotten like any costumes. So. Til next update. Byee. 

Graduating early, stress, and junior year

So it's been a while huh? Haha sorrys.... So it is now second semester of my junior year. The first half was full of me slacking and still getting a's and b's. Ha. Of course. I'm a genius after all. Anyways. Winter break was interesting. My aunt (guardian dads brothers ex wife) and her son johntae and daughter breonnia (yes my "cousin" jrs siblings) came in November cause of some family stuff. Well johntae ended up moving in and Brenda and breonnia left. Well that wouldn't have been a problem if johntae hadn't of had certain feelings for me that are definitely not family like. And he always has. Had those certain non familial feelings that is. And I never felt the same way! I swear! But then, he moves in. And I get to know this troubled, damaged, soul that is so much like my own it hurts. And guess what fucktard starts falling for him. Yup. Moi. Well of course you're either thinking eww that's your cousin or well you guys aren't really family. You aren't blood related. And I agree with both parties. It's weird. We grew up together. But I never really thought of him as my cousin. He was just that one kid that lived in their house. He was never really around. And then they moved four years ago. I got sibling close to jr, stayed cousin close to breonnia, and continued to feel nothing towards johntae. Again, until he moved in. And why? Why why why why? Why did he have to move in? Apparently because Oklahoma had nothing to offer. Well neither does Illinois! That's why I plan on moving as far away as possible. Like Australia. I miss it there. And my Australian family. Or maybe Italy. That country really connected with my inner self. I have never been as happy as I was there. I dunno why. Maybe in a past life, the best life I had, was there. Anyway. My mom and like everyone else found out I have feelings for him and no one approves. The worst part? They think it's all one sided. On my part of course. Ugh. It's frustrating. But whatever. I'll keep on keepin on. In a year I'll be in college. By 2016 I'll be moved out hopefully. And either in Arizona or some distant college here in Illinois. Either way, I won't look back when I'm gone. I plan on graduating high school early for those of you who are questioning how I could possibly be graduating in only a year. I will do one semester my senior year and be done. Completely, blissfully, done with high school and all it's inhabitants. Exciting n'est pas? I know I'm excited. Ididn't  think I was ready to leave home at one point. I know that I am. It isn't that I'm not ready to leave home. It's that I don't like leaving my comfort zone. Home... Is my comfort zone. But I've realized not all change is bad. And when it comes to moving out and going to university? That's the best kind of change anyone can hope for. Of course I'm a little worried about being able to pay for school. But I know I'll figure it out. Oh! Did I mention I want to be a criminal psychologist? Yupp! 100% for sure this time. I know that's what I want to do. I have never been so sure about anything before. Psychology fascinates me. And so do people that do horrible things like kidnap, rape, murder, and columbine. I dunno. It sound weird, huh? Who in their right mind wants to talk to people that are so sick and twisted that they either belong in the prison they're in, or even worse, an insane asylum? That's the key! Someone that isn't in their right mind themselves! You have to be a little crazy to talk to the people that put schizophrenics and bipolar people to shame.  I don't know why this job makes me so happy. I haven't even started it yet. Haven't even gone to my six years of schooling for it. Yet I'm ready. I'm so ready to just jump up and go ask that guy why he kidnapped all those girls, killed tons of them, and buried them in a canal. Stuff like that interests me intensely. So fiercely it's a bit scary. Anyway. Enough with my weird obsession with crazy people. I got my license in like November. Woo I can drive. I dunno. I guess that's it for now... I'm sure I'll have more to say later. Well til next time. Byeee. 

My so called best friend

I hate her. I really think I do. Alison that is. My so called best friend. Please. First she bitches at me every time I say anything about talking to or hanging out with Tayler. Just because she isn't friends with her anymore. And IT PISSES ME OFF. Like seriously? Who the fuck are you to tell me who I can and cant talk to and hang with? Yea tayler's been makin some dumb ass choices but that doesn't mean her only best friends that aren't horrible role models should abandon her. Ugh. And she doesn't tell me shit anymore. She'll tell other people before she tells me even though we're supposed to be 'best friends'. For example, yesterday she came into anatomy. She made the comment 'i cant believe my mom made me come in today'. And I said 'cuz there's nothing wrong with you?' And she said 'I'm not sick' and I said 'exactly' and she said 'I wasn't pretending to be' and I said 'then why shouldn't you be here?' And she said 'don't worry about it'. But then she wanted to just copy my labs instead of doing them herself. Bitch, no. You can't tell me why you weren't in school for two days KNOWING you were my lab partner then you can fucking do the work on your own like I had to. And she came into class Thursday and then left without saying a fucking word to me. Ugh. She irritates me. And on top of that I'm the reason she's dating Alec. I got them together. And she gets all pissy when he talks to me outside of school. Seriously? He was my friend before you guys started dating. So fuck off. And I don't even think they should be dating anymore. Alison is a horrible fucking girlfriend. And Alec knows he's in a bad relationship but won't leave. And I'm not gonna say anything to him. Why? For what? It's none of my business. If he wants to stay in a shitty relationship with a girl that doesn't even respect him then fine. By all means stay in a relationship where you're treated as a toy. Ugh. Rant over. For now. Til next time. Bye. 

I hate how the people you least expect to hurt you are the ones that rip your heart out and throw it in a paper shredder. Sometimes you forgive them and they manage to reform your heart. But sometimes they reform your heart just to destroy it all over again. For some reason the second betrayal always hurts more than the first. My theory is because you aren't just mad at them this time, but yourself too. The saying goes fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. Or something like that. It's like not only did they let you down AGAIN, but this time you thought things would be different. That they wouldn't do the same thing. That they had really changed. Again, stupid you. Why would they change? They know you'll keep excepting them regardless. Unless. Unless you stop believing in their crap and just stand up for yourself. That's part of what life is about. Not letting others get you down or keep you back from your full potential. Don't keep holding on to a lost cause. True love doesn't depress you. True love doesn't make you wish you'd just die. True love doesn't make you cry day after day because you just don't know what to do anymore. True love makes you want to fly free. True love gives you a reason to live or die for that person. True love makes you cry for joy, not sadness. I know this all sounds stupid. But it was just a moment that hit me. Til next time. Bye. 

I'm a nerd, so Cosplay maybe? pt2

Soooo we've decided to Disney characters instead of Madoka characters. I'll be Esmeralda and she will be Rapunzel after she got turned into a lesbian lookin princess aka with short brown hair. I found out the convention is the 15-17 of may. Yupp. Well this is just to catch yall up. Til next time. Byeeeeeeeeeeee

School, lee, and other stuffff

Ha. I'm in school. I downloaded the app recently so I can blog more and what not. Um yea. I'm not sure if my schools crappy wifi will let me actually end up posting this and stuff. Anyway. There's this kid, Well guy, that I know. His name is lee. He's awesome. Haha. He's really tall! Like 6 foot. And he's kinda dirty blonde-brunette-ish. He has brown eyes. And he's white, Of course. And He's cute. Haha. I've been talking to him for about a year now... Yea. He's like my best friend. Without all the complications of outside people. And like, if we don't want to talk to each other we don't have to. Since we don't see each other ever. Oh! And I forgot to mention, his voice? Aaaah. So perfect. Like its kinda deep and he has this slight southern accent and yea. Between his height and his voice he's got me. Um. Yeaaaa. Haha. What was I saying? Oh yea. We don't see each other so having outside lives is kind of a huge thing. Like huuuge. Idk. Hehehe he's bi. Random fun fact. Ummm. Yea. And no I don't mind! I would be a hypocrite if I cared about anyone's sexuality. Since, ya know, I'm bisexual myself. Anyway. We have lives outside of each other. And we've gone like huge amounts of time without talking. Idk how to explain how I feel about him. Like.. It's weird that I've formed such a strong connection with someone I've never even met. Or seen in person. But I really want to meet him. Like for real. Of course I have my worries. What if he isn't what or who he says he is? What if he isn't the guy I've fallen for? Ugh. It's ridiculous. But I'm admitting it. I really like him. I mean we casually say I love you all the time. But it's like, do we actually mean it? Or are we just sayin it. I guess this is the first time I've really thought about it. And I don't love him. I have too many doubts. And I have trust issues. Until those little doubts are gone... I dunno. I don't think I've really loved any of the guys I've dated. Actually, I know I haven't. I want to say I loved ean..but.. I didn't. It was more.. infatuation and a love for the idea of having a boyfriend and a relationship than actually loving him. I want to say I loved him because I got over the fact we didn't  know everything about each other. I dunno. I've never really truly loved anyone. Besides my big sister, little brother, Alison, Tayler, Kylee, and Ashley. Those four are my best friends in the whole world. I've basically narrowed it down like this, my heart has eight sections. One for each Alison, Tayler, Ashley and kylee. One for my dog Zane and my cat tweak. One for my sis and bro. One for boys (haha) and one for everything else. Maybe a ninth. For my love of music and art and writing and creativity in general. I have a big heart. Sometimes I wish it would shrivel up and disappear. I wish I could have the wicked queen come steal my heart. Being heartless would make the world so much more painless. I hate living sometimes. With such a passion I can't help but hate everything. Even the things I prize the most in my life. Like the friendships I've formed. I don't know. Sometimes I'm just so done with life it hurts. Anyway.. It's almost time to leave study hall. So. I'm gonna post this and go. Til next time. Byee. 

Ps. It totally wouldn't publish at school. I'm home now. 

Another wake

So today was my aunt Hollis's wake. She passed Friday evening. I can't believe she's gone. She was probably one of my most favorite people. She was the best. I thought my mom would be gone before her. Apparently she got sick and spiraled very quickly. I saw her in the hospital last Saturday and within a week she was gone. My mom asked me if I wanted to say goodbye to her Thursday and I said no because I knew it would upset me too much. Now... I wish I had've. I really wish I had've. I know she's in a better place without pain and hurt. But what about the people still here? The family and friends whose lives she's touched. What about us? Everyone had to of saw it coming. Before she got sick. She was just too skinny. And she didnt eat enough. But I don't think we wanted to believe it. She was still gorgeous as ever in her casket. I think the only thing that really stops people from dissolving in tears at a funeral is the fact your loved one never looks like themselves after death. Ever. From my mom to grandma to aunt... None of them looked the way they did when they were alive. I miss her. Well. Goodnight y'all. Til next time. Bye. 

I'm a nerd, so Cosplay maybe?

Sooooo. One of my readers complained about my lack of activity. I have to be in the mood to blog! Anyway. I am sooooooo syked for the Comic con in May! I am going with my best friend. So far we have it going as Friday she is doing Kirito and I'm doing Asuna from Sword Art Online. Saturday She's doing Madam Red and I'm doing Claude from Black Butler. And Sunday we are either doing the twins from Ouran High School Host club (me being Hikaru and her as Kaoru) or her as Homura and me as Kyoko from Madoka Magica. We aren't sure about Sunday yet. I'm so excited though. I, as well as my friend, will be on the panel for Black Butler. So I really need to make sure I know my stuff. Hahaha. The only thing I'm worried about is my skin tone being a problem. And the awful wigs _-_ Anyway! Schol is back in. It has been since August 16th. So almost a month now. Jeeze. Sorry I haven't blogged sooner. Just been real busy. Junior year is so much harder than the past two years of High School. I don't think I like it too much. I am already god awful at Physics. No surprise. I have anatomy with my twin! Aaaaaah! That was an awesome moment on the first day. Mhmmmm. I'm still single. Of course. I found out the theme to my homecoming and possibly prom. The homecoming theme is Casino and rumor has it the prom theme is Masquerade. I it is I will die. And DEFINITELY go. If I had my own school I'd make an Anime themed dance. Lol. Kinda like a comic con. But with people dancing and music and food and yea. So I'm gonna go. I don't know what else to say. And I kinda wanna keep lookin at youtube videos about cosplaying and watching anime. Til next time, Byee.